Weird Dreams

Im going crazy. Maybe I am more stressed out than I think.

On monday, during my long 13 hour slumber, I had weird dream number one. I dreamt that I was about to throw away this old pair of shoes I had. ( I actually threw them away about 3 months ago; Adidas tennis shoes.) Anyway, I was about to throw them away, when Kaihong appeared out of nowhere; now I havent thought about him for ages (sorry man; haha; from now on u'll be on my mind for a while) ; and he asks if he can have the shoes I was going to throw away. So, I give them to him, and he does his "tee hee" laugh, and then goes off. And the dream ends. Odd.

Then tuesday afternoon, I was napping in the afternoon, reacharging before beginning marathon econ study session, when weird dream number two occured. I was snoozing on the living room couch. I suddenly dreamt that I was smoking; with my sister and Yuchong. And that was all the dream was about, we smoked for a bit, and then I woke up. Very odd.

Weird dream number three; i'm not sure if it qualifies as a dream. As I was studying for tomorrow's finals, about an hour ago maybe, I had this sudden and vivid scene playing out i my head. There was a guy and a girl, I couldn't see faces or bodies or legs, just three arms. The guy holds down the girl's arm with one hand, and with his other hand; he has a chopper in it; he chops of her little finger. She screams and blood splashes everywhere. The scene looped a few times like it was on repeat and then just went away. I wasn't even asleep. Rather disturbing. Oh well, better study a bit more. I might regain some sanity after the final tomorrow.

Refreshed

I really must thank Daphne for the comforter and bedsheets. I can't remember having slept better. Feel good now. Time to go drop the checks at landlady's place. I feel really bad. Apparently Ernest got shouted at because I hadnt dropped the checks off yet. Also, have to do dishes everyday. Really can't let Daphne do them anymore. Poor girl has been doing them everyday.

That was a nice walk. Felt good looking up at the night sky. Very clear, plenty of night sky visible. Was talking to Caixia just a little while ago. Damn, astro coulda seen so much more with skies like this. But i guess we wouldnt have had such a great time on the D then. Anyways, i thought a lot about stuff as I was walking. This past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about how I might have done things differently; weighing options I dont have anymore; deliberating on choices I have already made. I used to tell myself I dont regret any of the choices I made. How naive. Maybe this is why I have been a little unsociable lately. Eagle eyed hindsight hardly serves any purpose. Golden words of Khoon Kiat. I feel like I have spent all my life chasing dreams that I am never going to reach, while ignoring things I had in my hands, things I wish I had treasured more. Should go study soon. I havent done well in classes for long enough that I am starting to smell the beginings of stupidity emmanate from me. Unacceptable. Self doubt will cause the colossus to crumble. At lunch this afternoon, I felt something of my old self resurface. It is time to get on the last stretch, for the summer at least. A lot of ground to make up.

Channelled

I hate it when people around me lie to me. Especially when we decided to be straight up about stuff. Whatever. Not my business. And all that talk about being square, bullshit. Anyway, Blake's last night was a stupid waste of time. I was wandering around doing stupid stuff. And the idiots, being the idiots they are, decided to go in without me. I very nearly got run over, and tore half the leg off my pants getting back to Blake's with ID. They didn't let me in anyway. Way to go homies.

Anway, i'm not bitching at people, and i'm not depressed anymore. So that is good. I just feel like hitting something really hard. Got some of that out of my system playing tennis and at hockey practice today. But I got hit on the head though. Not funny. Hearing in one ear is on and off. Kinda have a headace. Whatever. I'm in a whatever mood right now. Calls for some tea, but going to party.

Irritable

Something is definitely wrong. I have been bitching at everyone for the past few days. First I snapped at Jooho; and then at Yanling, when she was on the phone; and at Ernest too. I never snap at Ernest; I never snap at anybody, besides my parents, sometimes. I usually feel really chill and calm just talking to him. He really is easy to be around, and chill with. I have been rather edgy.

For some reason, I also felt that people were taking me for granted; and then I felt bad about thinking that way. I do want my friends to take some liberty with me. I sulked for a while; didn't feel any better, so I decided to be cool again.

Maybe today will be a better day. Have to visit papa.

Cracked

I meant to post on Thursday, but we were out late, and then Friday got busy since we had to get to LA. For the second time in my life that I can remember, I cracked. That I would crack again under emotional duress, I did not expect. I had not felt the strain even. I am having a wonderful summer, Berkeley is amazing in summer. Yet I am strangely dissatisfied. I feel like something is digging a hole in me, from inside out. I am just glad I had someone to talk to.

The day started out fine. I was looking forward to seeing Mel, she had flown in late on Wednesday. I went out with two pretty housemates to get one a camera. Then we went to SF for dinner with Alex. I met Mel at Union Square. It was wonderful meeting up with Mel, felt like I was in touch with all my hockey buddies. She had dinner plans though, and had other stuff to do the next day, and I had to go to LA. If we are lucky we might meet in a few years. So the 4 of us went to this Chinese restaurant for dinner, decent. We walked around SF for a bit and then headed back. When the girls were done redressing for Blake's, we knocked back a couple of glasses of soju and headed over on our bikes; 2 on each. Pretty crazy. Blakes was good, we were late though, and only clocked 45 minutes before they had to close. We came back and knocked back a few more shots of random spirits, floated for a bit and enjoyed the landing. Everyone drifted off to find a place to snuggle ( I do have a big place eh). I was in a living room as usual, havent come around to clearing my bed yet. One housemate got sexiled, so I had company in the living room.

It was just random conversation, guess she needed to get a few things of her chest. For some reason, it totally screwed me up. The last time I cracked, I could see the weakness. I didnt patch it over or repair it or fill it in. I built a whole new shell; taught myself never to be exposed. But now i don't know what has happened; new fissures, chinks in my armour, but i can't see them; some soul searching to do. I feel this lack of fulfillment brewing within me. I feel bad. I think she was trying to tell me something and I just unloaded on her instead. It was nice having someone to talk to though. You had my back. Thank you.

P.S. Oh, I've got your back too. Its your turn whenever you need to girl. You have an ear right here. Umm, two actually.